BLOGS MUST BE CARRIED
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EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE AUTHOR BUT WERE TOO BUSY DOING OTHER, MORE IMPORTANT THINGS ONLINE TO ASK
Hello, world. My name is Richard Cray.
World sez: “Hi, Dick.”
I was born in London in 1969 at the age of zero, within the chimes of Big Ben, where I sadly continue to live some semblance of a life to this day.
After a brief flirtation with superstardom in 1982 (I was Colin ‘Thunderbolt’ Dexter in the Thunderbolt and Smokey football strip in the first 26 issues of the then relaunched Eagle magazine, plus one television commercial), I left school at 15 with a bare minimum of qualifications and a desire never to set foot into an academic institution ever again. What would have been my university years were spent on the dole and volunteering for a community radio station in South East London. After several years, I was one of a select bunch of people given the responsibility of helping the station launch as a full-on FM station, becoming its commercial producer.
Following a change of management and being unable to make the transition from commercial production to programme making, I left the industry in 1993 and have never returned to it. The station I helped to launch has since undergone many changes of management, ownership and branding, and is now known as Time 106.8 FM.Since then, I have worked almost exclusively in market research as a coder, occasionally supervising other staff. I am currently unemployed and considering some as many major changes in my professional life as the Department of Work and Pensions will allow.
In 1998, with a lot of friends moving away, getting married, having kids and generally doing very adult things, I bought some home recording equipment to record comedy songs in order to destress and occupy myself during evenings and weekends. Selecting the pseudonym Dogs Must Be Carried, I started making music - despite having no formal training - purely for my own amusement.
Over time, others became interested and contributed parts that I could not do myself, which led to my sending out a white label of one song, United Kingdom of Whenever (a South London version of Liam Lynch’s United States of Whenever) early in 2003. This gained considerable interest at the time, receiving airplay on Christian O’Connell’s XFM breakfast show, Steve Lamacq’s shows on BBC Radio 1 and BBC 6Music, and Dr. Demento’s legendary coast-to-coast show in the US.
In the summer of 2004, I decided to start this blog, initially as a means of publicizing what I was doing with Dogs Must Be Carried, although since then it has also become an arena in which to rant against the world, confess my love or hate for certain things and people, and cock a snook at popular culture and people’s attitudes towards it.
A year later, the music got a heap more interest as a result of being featured on Comedy 365, a pioneer of British podcasting that remains the country’s most downloaded independent podcast.
As a result of this, I issued a CD of 20 of the most popular Dogs Must Be Carried tracks, remastered especially for the release. There are still many copies in my living room waiting for a home, so if you like what you hear, click on one of the links at the top of the left-hand gutter and make me feel wanted. New material is planned for this year, although a follow up CD is an unlikely prospect at this time.
In August 2005, I was approached by Comedy 365’s Brian Luff (then most famous for being half of the duo behind Channel Four’s cult late-night puppet show Pets) to assist in the production of Sketch Club, the comedy show he’d been running in one form or another on the London fringe since 2001, primarily because I was one of a select band of people who’d regularly been in the audience from a very early stage. And, quite frankly, because I’m the sort of man who will work for several pints of Guinness.
The show had helped launch the careers of some of today’s top sketch comedy talent, including The Black Sheep, Tom Price, The Runaway Lovers, Hackney Empire New Act of the Year winner Peter Aterman, R4 regulars Fordham & Lipson, Writers’ Guild award winners Colin & Fergus and Perrier winner Laura Solon. During the 2005/06 run, we helped Fat Tongue secure an Eddies nomination for their debut Edinburgh show, as well as provided some great emerging acts with a regular gig, including John Dredge, James Shakeshaft and Blue Pepper, all of whom contibuted to Comedy 365’s success in its first year. Other regulars for whom tours, Radio 4 writing gigs and Vegas have since beckoned included Richard Thomson, Eirlys Bellin, Black & Paris, Bates & Emerson, Madeleine Brettingham and Maggie Gordon-Walker.
Indeed, thanks to Maggie, I am one of a very select band of men who has had material performed at the final of Funny Women at the Comedy Store. Our co-written monologue of drunken reviewer Margo Crabstick impressed a few of the judges and even got a couple of laughs from the audience, despite Chortle’s Steve Bennett describing it as “lame”. His scathing review served as a red rag to a bull, so we added a few carefully chosen extra satirical lines as a result for audiences at the Edinburgh Fringe, from whom we received a much better reception as a result.
Sketch Club ended its run in May 2006, returning for a couple of nights without me the following November. It is currently on indefinite hold, whilst its co-producers Sowerby & Luff concentrate on their incredibly successful podcast. The show may return sometime, someplace; then again, it may not.
I continue to work on the fringe, recording audio inserts and teching the monthly show from The Scarlet Pimps (featuring ex-Blue Pepper alumni Liam J. Stratton and his uni mate Rob Clyne) at the Etcetera Theatre in Camden High Street. I also helped stand-up Mary Bourke (The Fortnight Club, R4’s Loose Ends) with her show The Revolution Will Be Accessorized at the same venue in August 2006.
I am currently putting the finishing touches to a six-part radio sketch show, which I hope to record and put out as a podcast later in the year.
My only proper commission was a sketch for ITV1’s Shoot the Writers in 2004. It was crap.
I am 60% right brained, which means I’m creative, flexible and bold. I am 54% impulsive, 80% psychic and 76% intuitive.
I am 69% quirky and 60% open-minded, both of which are reflected in my music tastes. I am very much a geek in this respect, with an interest in an eclectic range of music across the genres. I’m in the process of creating Listmania lists at Amazon, which will give you an idea of some of my favourites, and, if you’re feeling generous, I have a rolling Wishlist at the bottom of the page. My favourite album is The Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds. My favourite under-rated album is The Rolling Stones’ Their Satanic Majesties’ Request.
I belong in 1966.
I’m an avid sports viewer. Football-wise, I’m a lifelong Arsenal fan (in fact, I have been told by more than one Spurs fan that I have the “stench of Arsenal” about me) and am deeply sympathetic towards QPR. I’ve been watching baseball since 1999, and support the New York Mets. I’m not as big a fan of gridiron as I used to be, but I did support the Patriots when they weren’t much cop.
My mother’s side of the family are Welsh, so my national sympathies are split as far as international sports are concerned. They are mostly intolerant bigots, apart from the ones that pretend to be liberal - they’re only bigots when the cameras stop rolling.
My father’s family are of Romany stock with some Jewish ancestory, which I think means we’ve historically stolen things from people and then sold them back at what we consider to be a fair price with better stitching.
I am 40% Irish and 31% American. I belong in Brooklyn, although my inner Californian belongs in San Francisco. Thankfully, I am 0% redneck.
I regularly watch Top Gear, despite not having any interest in cars, and am a sucker for murder mysteries such as Inspector Morse, Dalziel and Pascoe and Midsomer Murders. In fact, if it’s police and / or spy-based and not called Taggart, I’ll watch it. I love QI, the black and white Emma Peel episodes of the Avengers, old Peter Cook & Dudley Moore routines, The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin and anything that manages to parody old television faithfully, such as Look Around You. I’ve even developed an obsession with Homes Under the Hammer, if only for the ridiculous use of literal music cues. Bleasdale’s GBH was a great piece of drama, as were the House of Cards trilogy, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and The Sweeney. Documentary-wise, I never miss The World at War when it's brought out of the archives, and I have an unhealthy fixation with any programme dealing with the investigation into air accidents. I’m a big fan of Bill Bailey, Mitchell & Webb and Victoria Wood. Billy Connolly’s An Audience With…is one of the best 60 minutes of stand-up I’ve ever seen. Stephen Fry is the Greatest Living Englishman and Kirsty Allsopp has the Greatest English Dellecotage. I consider Chris Morris to be nothing short of a genius and didn’t believe he existed until I found myself standing next to him on a southbound Victoria Line tube train one evening. Shitting crikey indeed. I’m developing quite a thing for Sarah Silverman. And Pegabovine are going to be huge. My writing is inspired by The Goons, Python and the work of Andrew Marshall & David Renwick (The Burkiss Way, End of Part One, Whoops Apocalypse, Hot Metal etc.) One of my most treasured possessions is a Jonathan Creek script from 1999. I'm also a member of the Test Card Circle.
My favourite films are Once Upon a Time in America, The Graduate, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Three Colours: Red, Dead Poets’ Society, The Day of the Jackal (the original, silly), North by Northwest, Blow Out, Melody, Head and Nice Girls Don’t Explode. The worst movies I’ve ever seen are both of the Charlie’s Angels movies, Police Academy 6 and Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday, all of which are tedious in the extreme.
I try not to read newspapers, unless I’m looking for work, and subscribe to Private Eye and Mojo.
I like any pasta with meat in a Bolognese sauce, very mature Cheddar cheese, corned beef and Jambalaya - sometimes all at once.
I drink San Miguel, Guinness, sparkling wines (including Cava and Champagne), margueritas, milky tea, black coffee, full fat lattes, OJ and caffeine-free Diet Coke. If I was a drink, I’d be Dr. Pepper, an espresso, a bloody Mary, tequila and a bottle of Heineken (if you’d like me to reach the parts other beers can’t reach, send me an e-mail). I’m a crazy drunk.
I believe that a vote is a very important thing and shouldn’t be used lightly. However, in an unfavourable political climate where leaders are just trying to get into power by apeing the mannerisms and policies of their predecessors, I have had no other option but to spoil my paper at most elections. I would, however, support the addition of a “none of the above” box, which might go some way to establish whether the UK is really suffering from voter apathy rather than a lack of choice after all. I do not follow any political agenda, as most are naïve. In reality, I feel a hefty dose of both capitalism and socialism are necessary to make a caring and productive society. An economy must be strong in order for this to be possible, but it is equally as important that those who benefit financially from a strong economy from captains of industry right down to the average homeowner are less greedy with their fortunes. My personal politics, as defined by politicalcompass.org are slightly left of centre and quite liberal, close to that of Nelson Mandela - which is ironic, as we share a birthday.
That said, I am somewhat Machiavellian myself. Perhaps, as some have suggested, I should go into politics and create a new ideology for the world. Or perhaps I should just console myself with porn like everyone else in my position. (I would post a picture of my position but I don’t wish to discourage potential partners.)
Speaking of which, I’m single, and have been for the vast majority of my life. The last time I went on a proper date was 1995. An afternoon reading this blog will probably give any sane, rational-minded woman a good idea why that continues to be the case.
But, in case you’re wondering: I am - apparently - a “smokin’ hot” romantic. I follow my heart but would choose money over love. Nevertheless, I am 68% addicted to love, 56% pure, 44% sexy and 40% gentleman.
I fall in love quickly, easily and often, and get very attached, staying in love for a long time, even when I’m not loved back, which is most, if not all, of the time. When reality dawns, it hits hard.
I am attracted to women with a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but with fire in their heart. I like things to be straightforward and feel the most alive when told that I’m loved. (Shut up, it could happen.) My ideal relationship is one with no secrets. I would be forced to break up with someone who was difficult to please. There is no risk of me cheating. However, I am only 13% ready for marriage, so if you are my true love (supposedly an Aries), you’d better take that dress out. A lot.
I am a sweet talking, reflective listener who can focus a conversation completely on the other person, and this has taken me far, both in romance and life (yeah, right).
My pick-up line is “I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock”. Which explains a lot.
I am 80% gross whilst still managing to be 44% vain and 43% perfectionist.
My EQ is 100. I am 49% feminine and somewhat mature, but have only experienced 36% of a 45% perfect life in which I am just 38% lucky. I am 37, acting like a 30-year-old. My 58% inner child, complete with its PG-13 rated mind, is scared.
I have an IQ of 115, despite giving up on several of those numerical progression questions, which might account for why I scored so highly. This is stronger than it was in 2000, when I stupidly elected Ken Livingstone as London’s Mayor. (Sorry, gang - my bad.)
Totally related to the above, I was diagnosed as a clinical depressive the same year, and subsequently went through three years of pointless psychotherapy. I have been taking daily doses of citalopram since the end of 2003 and am currently on the highest possible dose. I am currently waiting for a course of cognitive behaviour therapy on the NHS but feel it might be better to bang my head against a brick wall instead.
In fact, according to really, like, scientific tests that I found on the internet, I am 80% depressed, 73% borderline, 60% bipolar, 48% obsessive, 44% paranoid schizophrenic and 36% sociopath. I am 81% angry, have low self esteem 72% of the time, a stress level of 71%, a shyness and social anxiety level of 60% and a 49% addictive personality. I am 72% control freak, 70% weird, 48% abnormal - but am not scary at all. In fact, I am pretty happy overall. I am also 60% hypochondriac. Whatever.
In a past life, I was a famous beekeeper in Greece who died of consumption. In this life, I will die at 64 of a yet to be discovered STD. My famous last words will be: “I don’t know - press the button and find out.” There is a 57% chance that I will go to Hell.
My seven deadly sin scores are:
Sloth: 66%
Wrath: 62%
Lust: 60%
Greed: 49%
Pride: 46%
Gluttony: 42%
Envy: 31%
Sloth: 66%
Wrath: 62%
Lust: 60%
Greed: 49%
Pride: 46%
Gluttony: 42%
Envy: 31%
I have a 48% chance of becoming a multi-millionaire. My life is worth $828,000 but I would sell out for $323,998. Who wants to start the bidding?
I am a drama prince, being just 46% selfish and 28% spoilt.
I am 40% slacker and have a phlegmatic temperament.
I am 72% brutally honest, 67% misanthropic, 52% cynical and have been known to have my sarcastic moments.
I am 52% evil with a power level of 45%, and sometimes hold a grudge. Still, my attitude is better than 20% of the population.
My aura is violet.
My French name is Bruno Menard. My Italian name is Enrico Lombardi. My Irish name is Zaira O'Leary. My Russian name is Markov Olezka Morozov. My sexy Brazilian name is Leandro Meira. My German name is Burkhard Maximilian. My Hawaiian name is Konane Nahele. My Mexican name is Don Juaquine. My Japanese name is Toshi Suzuki. My old fashioned name is Gerald Hakebourne. My vampire name is Endymion of Babylon. My wrestler name is Bloodstained Black Scorpion. My celebrity baby name is Rocket Puma. My hippie dude name is Buzz. My preppy name is Cabot Britton Keene V (but most people know me as Tad). My Hillbilly name is Grandpa Crow. My pirate name is Iron Beard of Maggots. My elf name is Pixie Tinsel Toes. My pimp name is White Chocolate Mystery. My Wu-Name is Respected Mercenary. My stoner name is Mighty Mango Dopefiend.
My Pokéname is Moozar. I live in the steppes of France, and my diet consists mostly of cows, fruits and kerosene. I can walk on poison. I can spit fire. I can eat bricks. I can puke hot death. I have a fear of force bolts. I have a fear of Dr. Pepper. I have a fear of wind. I can shoot sand. My natural enemy is Polirider.
My superhero name is The Hour Hulk. My super power is invisibility. My weakness is French people. My weapon is a foam blowgun. My mode of transport is giraffe.
I am 45% addicted to Blogthings.
If you’d like me to take a particular Blogthing and add it to this profile, forward it onto me, and I’ll get around to it as soon as I’ve stopped looking at the photos on Yahoo! Personals.
If you’re in London and would like to hire me to tech your fringe event or you’re anywhere in the world and want someone to edit / remaster your audio, e-mail me at richard [at] dogsmustbecarried [dot] blog-city [dot] com.
Thanks for stopping by. Enjoy the blog.